The X-FILES Movie (My rejected script)

THE SCENE:

A group of trees in the middle of Central Park, N.York. Midnight. After an anonymous tip-off Mouldy Spunker and his long-time partner Drama Skully find themselves standing at the foot of one of the larger trees, heads up, using a flashlight to illuminate this most curious of cases...
MOULDY SPUNKER: (Holding the flashlight, stood with his neck arched back as he looks up into the tree.)
“It’s true, there is a cow in this tree!!”
DRAMA SKULLY: (Also looking up.)
“Yes! And if I’m not mistaken, it’s wearing a pair of Ralph Lauren underpants.”
M.S: (As near as he possibly comes to looking slightly giddy.)
“Obviously this proves the existence of captured alien life-forms at the secret military-base. AND, it could be our closest lead yet to the whereabouts of my missing sister Dave!”
D.S: (Turning her head towards Mouldy and looking like she is just about to tell him that there is a scientific explanation for all of this.)
“There is a scientific explanation for all of this.”
COW IN TREE: “Moo!”
M.S: (Looking mildly annoyed with Skully.)
“Can’t you see that’s exactly what they want you to think? Look, I’ve seen plenty of spooky stuff, and this as got to be the spookiest.”
D.S: (Looking all ‘matter-of-fact’.)
“There was a well documented case in Ohio when a domestic cat was found in a tree wearing a Versace cummerbund. Tests proved it was a direct result of excessive pesticide coverage of local agricultural crops.”
M.S: (Annoyed.)
“LOOK! It’s SPOOKY and THAT’S THAT!”
D.S: (Also annoyed.)
“I think you’ll find it’s scientific!”
M.S: (Raising his voice.)
“It’s SPOOKY!”
D.S: (Shouting.)
“It’s SCIENTIFIC!”
M.S: “SPOOKY!”
D.S: “SCIENTIFIC!”
M.S: “SPOOKY!”
D.S: “SCIENTIFIC!”
M.S: “SPOOKY!”
D.S: “SCIENTIFIC!”
M.S: “SPOOKY!”
D.S: “SCIENTIFIC!”
COW IN TREE: “Moo!”
M.S: (Putting his fingers in his ears.)
“It’s SPOOKY! HMMMMMMMMMMMMMM NOT LISTENING, NOT LISTENING, NOT LISTENING!”
D.S: (Looking furious for a second, then composing herself.)
“ANYWAY! I know something that’s a lot spookier than all of this.”
M.S: (Taking his fingers out of his ears and showing genuine interest in a change of subject.)
“Oh yeah! What’s that then?”
D.S: (Smugly.)
“Someone having a sister called DAVE!”
COW IN TREE: “Moo!”
M.S: (Emotionally wounded.)
“There is NOTHING spooky about having a sister called Dave. It’s purely a scientific attempt on the part of my parent’s at dispelling the masculine preconceptions of people with the name Dave. So THERE!”
COW IN TREE: “Moo!”
D.S: “It’s bloody SPOOKY! That’s what it is!”
M.S: “It’s scientific!”
D.S: “It’s spooky!”
M.S: “Scientific!”
D.S: “Spooky!”
M.S: “Scientific!”
D.S: “Spooky!”
M.S: “Scientific!”
D.S: “Spooky!”
Suddenly, from out of nowhere, that old bloke who wears a raincoat and smokes loads and loads of cigarettes appears.
THAT OLD BLOKE WHO WEARS A RAINCOAT AND SMOKES LOADS AND LOADS OF CIGARETTES: (Wearing a raincoat and smoking loads of cigarettes.)
“Got a light?”
COW IN TREE: “Yes! But don’t you forget where you got it from! I’m always losing lighters that way! Costs me an arm and a leg it does sometimes!”
THAT OLD BLOKE WHO WEARS A RAINCOAT AND SMOKES LOADS AND LOADS OF CIGARETTES:
“Wow!”
D.S: (Shocked.)
“My God! It’s unbelievable!”
M.S: (Really smug.)
“I told you it was SPOOKY!”
THAT OLD BLOKE WHO WEARS A RAINCOAT AND SMOKES LOADS AND LOADS OF CIGARETTES: (Turning to face Mouldy.)
“What?”
M.S: (Dismissively.)
“I was talking to my partner!”
THAT OLD BLOKE WHO WEARS A RAINCOAT AND SMOKES LOADS AND LOADS OF CIGARETTES: (Shrugging.)
“Oh!”
D.S: (Still in shock, turning towards Mouldy.)
“I...I...I didn’t mean that about your sister!”
THAT OLD BLOKE WHO WEARS A RAINCOAT AND SMOKES LOADS AND LOADS OF CIGARETTES: (Turning to face Drama.)
“What?”
D.S: (Dismissively.)
“I was talking to Mouldy!”.
THAT OLD BLOKE WHO WEARS A RAINCOAT AND SMOKES LOADS AND LOADS OF CIGARETTES: (Shrugging.)
“Aah!”
COW IN TREE: “Antidisestablishmentarianism!”
THAT OLD BLOKE WHO WEARS A RAINCOAT AND SMOKES LOADS AND LOADS OF CIGARETTES: (Turning to face cow in tree.)
“Pardon?”
M.S: (Looking annoyed.)
“He said Antidisestablishmentarianism! Are you deaf or something?”
THAT OLD BLOKE WHO WEARS A RAINCOAT AND SMOKES LOADS AND LOADS OF CIGARETTES:
“No!”
D.S: (Also looking annoyed as she turns to face that old bloke who wears a raincoat and smokes loads and loads of cigarettes.)
“For a character with such a long name you don’t really say that much do you?”
THAT OLD BLOKE WHO WEARS A RAINCOAT AND SMOKES LOADS AND LOADS OF CIGARETTES: (Defensively.)
“So?”.
M.S: (Catching Drama’s drift.)
“Yeah! And you seem to feature quite heavily in the last couple of pages yet your character doesn’t seem to be adding very much to the story! Not that there’s much of a story, when I come to think about it!”
THAT OLD BLOKE WHO WEARS A RAINCOAT AND SMOKES LOADS AND LOADS OF CIGARETTES: (Avoiding eye contact.)
“Mmh!”
D.S: (Slowly walking towards that old bloke who wears a raincoat and smokes loads and loads of cigarettes.)
“In fact, when I think about it, it’s just as if you were placed here by an author who was desperately trying to fill some page space and..."

Suddenly Drama is KIDNAPPED!

M.S/ COW IN TREE/ THAT OLD BLOKE WHO WEARS A RAINCOAT AND SMOKES LOADS AND LOADS OF CIGARETTES: (All looking shocked.)
“BLOOMIN HUMMER!” (In unison.)

...TO BE CONTINUED.