JACK: The world’s very first superstar entertainer. No other actor has had such a profound effect on the fabric of civilisation. Not even Chuck Norris. Now, for the first time anywhere, I bring to you the story of Jack and his meteoric rise to global domination...

1521: Jack is born to humble farmer John Horner and wayward wife Josephine.

1529: Eight-year-old Jack is discovered by an amateur poet who finds him sitting in the corner of a room eating a pie.

1530: ‘Little Jack Horner’ poem is put on general release and receives favourable critical revues.

1530: Upon finding his wife in the haystack with hired farm-hand Joseph Spratt, John Horner leaves, never to return.

1530: After the success of ‘Little Jack Horner’ Jack is approached by another local poet with ideas of an action/adventure poem.

1531: ‘Jack be nimble, Jack be quick’ poem released to rapturous critical appraisal.

1532: Jack’s mother marries Joseph Spratt and Jack also changes surname.

1533: Jack is visited by Jeff Spangle, a poetry Impresario from London with all the right connections.

1533: Twelve year old Jack moves to London on the behest of Mr Spangle, and co-habits with Mr Spangle’s sister Jane and her twelve year old daughter Jill.

1534: Jack and Jill get on like a house on fire, inspiring Jeff Spangle to suggest they form a double act for a drama project of his own.

1535: ‘Jack and Jill went up the hill’ released and the world gets it’s first real taste of ‘Jack mania’. Offers of work come pouring in from all the big poetry-moguls. Media coins the phrase ‘Jack the lad’.

1536: Romance blossoms between Jack and Jill as Jack makes the transition from poems to full-length feature stories. ‘Jack and the beanstalk’ cleans up at the bookstores, followed by ‘The house that Jack built’, and ‘Jack the giant-killer’. An array of related merchandise hits the shops to meet the demands of a public gone ‘Jack’ crazy. The Jack-knife, the Jack-boot, the Jackhammer, the Jack-pot (a drinking mug bearing Jack’s likeness) all of which sell millions and bolster Jack’s steadily swelling personal fortune.

1537: Jack writes, produces, directs, and stars with fiancée Jill in ‘Jack Spratt would eat no fat’, a domestic drama poem about the couples eating habits. It is ecstatically received by his overwhelmingly adoring public.

1538: Jack marries Jill on his seventeenth birthday and a euphoric nation turn up to witness. A motion is passed in parliament and the British union flag is renamed ‘The Union-Jack’ as a mark of respect.

1540: After a two year silence, rumours start to emerge that Jack has quit the world of showbiz.

1541: In a sudden and unexpected public announcement, Jack gives Jeff Spangle the sack and decides to create his own independent publishing company (Jackanory).

1542: Jack grows long hair and a goatee beard.

1543: Jack learns to play the sitar.

1544: Jack officially changes his name to Jehuknah P’tangwa F’tangwallawalla.

1545: After an eight year hiatus, Jehuknah P’tangwa F’tangwallawalla releases ‘Open up your inner-eye Daddio!’ on the Jackanory label. A three-book concept-trilogy, starting with the experimental-jazz poem ‘Hey nonny nonny, b’ding, p’tang, fernoony-fernoony’. A nation is alienated almost overnight and the backlash starts here.

1546: Jackanory release ‘Le philosophe de F’tangwallawalla’. It bombs.

1547: Jackanory rush release ‘Jack’s Greatest Hits’ in a desperate attempt to capitalize on former glories. It sells poorly, reflecting the publics shift towards the new ‘tongue-twister’ trend of which Peter Piper is a rising star.

1548: Jackanory becomes insolvent and Jack loses everything. He and wife Jill discover they are soon to be parents. Jeff Spangle surprisingly takes pity on the couple and offers Jack the position of A&R man to Peter Piper. It proves to be a highly profitable pairing.

And they all lived happily ever after.