Rejected script #2
'KINGS OF THE SCAR-FACED NOO-YOIK GODPARENTY CASINO-OWNING GOODFELLA MOBSTER TYPE CONTINGENT WHO WERE ALLEGEDLY AT THEIR MOST PREVALENT ONCE UPON A TIME IN AMERICA'
TONY: Robert De Niro.
JOHNNY: Al Pacino.
FRANKIE: Joe Pesci.
PAULIE: Ray Liotta.
THE SCENE.
Everybody is sitting in a traditional Noo-Yoik Italian restaurant. It’s late one Monday evening and business is traditionally rare. A very old Italian man sits snoozing in a corner.
The main table of the restaurant is occupied by the film’s main characters. Camera zooms in to capture the conversation at the table.
TONY: ( Looking at Johnny as he shrugs and outwardly gestures with his arms) “Hey Johnny?”
JOHNNY: ( Looking annoyed and shrugging at Tony’s accusative tone) “Hey Tony?”
FRANKIE: (Shruggingly annoyed at the bickering of Tony and Johnny) “Hey Tony, Hey Johnny?”
TONY & JOHNNY: ( Shrugging in unison) “Hey Frankie?”
Suddenly Johnny pulls out a gun and aims it at the very old Italian man sat snoozing in the corner.
JOHNNY: (Shrugging) “Hey crony?”
CRONY: (Waking from his snooze, then shrugging) “Hey Johnny?
Suddenly Paulie enters the restaurant and is visibly disturbed by the dangerous levels of shrugging with which he finds himself confronted.
PAULIE: (Not shrugging, in order to de-shrug the situation) “Hey Frankie, hey Johnny, hey Tony, hey Crony?”
FRANKIE, JOHNNY, TONY and CRONY: (Shrugging) “HEY PAULIE?”
PAULIE: (Condescendingly un-shrugging) “Hey Frankie, Johnny, Tony, Crony?
From out of nowhere, a local confectioners suddenly turn up with a huge sugar-iced cake with an aerial sticking out of it.
EVERYONE: “HEYYYY!”
FRANKIE: ( Excited) “Hey Johnny, hey Tony, hey Crony?
JOHNNY: ( Excited) “Hey Frankie, hey Tony, hey Crony?
TONY: (Excited) “Hey Frankie, hey Johnny, hey Crony?
CRONY: (Asleep) “Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!”
Everybody temporarily forgets their differences and start to demolish the huge cake with an aerial sticking out of it.
SUDDEN SPECIAL GUEST APPEARANCE BY ANDY GARCIA AS BENNY.
BENNY: (Walking into the restaurant with a remote-control unit in his hands)
“Hey Frankie, Johnny, Paulie, Tony, Crony?"
FRANKIE, JOHNNY, PAULIE, TONY, CRONY: ( In unison) “HEY BENNY?”
BENNY: ( Pressing button on remote-control unit) “HEYYY...”
RESTAURANT: ‘KA-BOOM!”
The End.
I had a moment of weirdness in the corner shop today. I ventured in due to a somewhat unfamiliar urge for an apple-based soft-drink. I looked in the fridges but to no avail, so I went to the counter to enquire. As I waited behind a little old dear spending her pension on scratchcards, it dawned on me that the shopkeeper looked just like Freddy Mercury. When he asked how he could help, I subconsciously spouted...
'Scaramoosh, scaramoosh, do you sell apple Tango?'
There was an awkward silence. Then he replied...
'Bismillah nooooo, we do not sell Tango!(No Tangooo!)Bismillah nooooo, we do not sell Tango!(No Tangooo!)Bismillah nooooo, we do not sell Tango, do not sell Tango, do not sell Tango, magnificoooo, no no no no nor Vimto!'
Outwitted, and with a growing queue forming behind me, I sorely needed to retort...
'I'm just a poor boy who's very thirstyyyy...'
Growing queue in harmonised unison: 'He's just an arsehole, throw him out, serve me? Save us this unwanted longevityyyy'
Dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink...
Shopkeeper: 'Easy come, easy go, should I let him go?'
Growing queue in increasingly menacing harmonised unison: 'Bismilah nooooo, we should not let him go!'
Me: 'Mamma mia, mamma mia, mamma mia let me go?'
Then I woke up screaming. It had all been a dream after dozing off on the settee. Setteeeee. Setteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Drff, dernurmdernurmdernurmder, dernurmderdedlenurmmmmm...
'Scaramoosh, scaramoosh, do you sell apple Tango?'
There was an awkward silence. Then he replied...
'Bismillah nooooo, we do not sell Tango!(No Tangooo!)Bismillah nooooo, we do not sell Tango!(No Tangooo!)Bismillah nooooo, we do not sell Tango, do not sell Tango, do not sell Tango, magnificoooo, no no no no nor Vimto!'
Outwitted, and with a growing queue forming behind me, I sorely needed to retort...
'I'm just a poor boy who's very thirstyyyy...'
Growing queue in harmonised unison: 'He's just an arsehole, throw him out, serve me? Save us this unwanted longevityyyy'
Dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink...
Shopkeeper: 'Easy come, easy go, should I let him go?'
Growing queue in increasingly menacing harmonised unison: 'Bismilah nooooo, we should not let him go!'
Me: 'Mamma mia, mamma mia, mamma mia let me go?'
Then I woke up screaming. It had all been a dream after dozing off on the settee. Setteeeee. Setteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Drff, dernurmdernurmdernurmder, dernurmderdedlenurmmmmm...
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